Emotional Intelligence

According to psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer, emotional intelligence encompasses two primary components: the ability to monitor one's own emotions and those of others, and the capacity to discern these feelings to inform one's thoughts and actions. This understanding emphasizes the importance of accurately naming emotions, which allows individuals to pause and reflect before reacting. By mastering this sequence of self-regulation, individuals can effectively model and support their children in developing similar emotional intelligence skills over time.

Understanding and expressing our emotions is vital for achieving emotional maturity, as outlined by psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson in her work "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents." Emotionally mature individuals possess several key characteristics: they work with reality instead of resisting it, accept the present situation rather than fixating on ideal conditions, and can simultaneously experience stress while maintaining conscious thought and action. They have control over their emotional expressions, choosing when to express or contain their feelings. Additionally, they can separate their emotions from those of others, showing empathy without becoming overwhelmed by external situations. An emotionally mature person respects both their own boundaries and those of others, demonstrating flexibility and the ability to compromise. They remain open to influence, showing a willingness to grow and adapt in meaningful ways. Moreover, they can acknowledge when they are wrong, apologizing and making amends while reflecting on their behavior to initiate positive change. Active listening and presence in interactions are crucial, as is the humility to seek help when needed. Overall, these traits contribute to the development of a healthier emotional life and foster more effective communication of complex feelings and needs.

Empathy is the ability to attune to your inner world and name your feelings and needs. Naming your feelings and needs strengthens the emotional processing centers in your brain. Practicing emotional intelligence builds neural networks between the middle brain and front brain. This means that with lots of practice, you will be able to accurately name your emotional state and sophisticated feelings, and with every rep, you will strengthen your prefrontal cortex. You will strengthen the foundation of emotionally mature behaviors from the inside out. We cannot “will” ourselves into emotional maturity. We must FEEL ourselves into emotional maturity. Empathy plays a crucial role in children’s emotional and psychological development by soothing their fear responses and fostering relaxation, connection, cooperation, and collaboration. This emotional engagement regulates their brain and nervous system, enhances their self-awareness, and encourages positive beliefs about themselves. The importance of feeling and body connection is highlighted; it allows children to feel safer in their bodies. When we meet our children with empathy, we are strengthening the emotional regulators in their brains.

Many individuals have not experienced adequate empathy when expressing feelings and needs during childhood. They often faced invalidation or punishment, which stunted their emotional growth. As noted by Marc Brackett in "Permission to Feel," it is essential to physically feel emotions before attempting to articulate them. Practicing nonverbal self-empathy involves acknowledging emotional sensations in the body and giving them attention, which helps in recognizing that such feelings are temporary. The “F.E.E.L.” acronym stands for Focus, Embrace, Expand, and Label, guiding individuals to connect with and name their emotions and needs.

As we recognize the intricate connections between our nervous system, brain, and emotions, science is confirming the significance of secure attachments in both personal well-being and child-rearing. Modeling emotional skills for children and engaging with them as they learn is vital for raising secure, resilient, and compassionate individuals. Often, people lack the vocabulary to express feelings and needs, making it difficult to foster intimacy within relationships. The capacity for self-empathy, defined as accepting one’s own feelings without judgment, is essential for emotional management. It entails fully experiencing emotions in the body, allowing them to flow, and proactively addressing personal needs. This foundational understanding enables individuals to better express love and belonging, thereby providing authentic empathy to their children while cultivating self-empathy themselves.

Emotional intelligence in parenting significantly enhances children's connections to expansive beliefs by fostering empathy and understanding their needs and feelings. When children’s needs are met, they experience positive emotions such as happiness and security. However, unmet needs can lead to negative feelings like confusion and anger, which may persist even when basic needs for connection are addressed. This indicates the presence of core limiting beliefs about connection that inhibit the effective processing of those feelings.

To support children positively, parents must understand two critical states: the actual needs of the child and their beliefs about those needs. The needs identified include unconditional love, acceptance, accomplishment, affection, appreciation, belonging, autonomy, beauty, creative expression, fun, play, harmony, rhythm, respect, rest, safety, and protection. For each need, specific limiting beliefs can undermine a child's self-worth and sense of belonging, while expansive beliefs can empower and affirm their value as individuals. Overall, fostering emotional intelligence by recognizing and affirming these needs and addressing the associated beliefs enables children to develop expansive belief systems that foster resilience and emotional health.

Unconditional Love & Acceptance - Children's belief patterns about their worth can be limiting (e.g., "Nobody cares about who I really am") or expansive (e.g., "I love and accept myself").
Accomplishment - Limiting beliefs like "I can't do it!" contrast with expansive thoughts like "I can learn to do anything."
Affection - Awareness of emotions leads to the recognition of needs for closeness and affection, shifting beliefs from limiting ("Nobody wants to touch me") to expansive ("I am lovable").
Appreciation and Belonging - Children thrive when they feel welcomed and seen beyond their actions; thus, limiting views can be transformed into feelings of unconditional appreciation.
Autonomy - Acknowledging a child's need for independence promotes healthy self-esteem, transitioning from limiting beliefs of isolation to expansive beliefs of self-acceptance.
Beauty - Recognition of internal beauty fosters positive self-regard, moving from limiting beliefs of ugliness to expansive affirmations of self-worth.
Creative Expression - Supporting children's unique creativity avoids the limiting belief of inadequacy and enhances openness to creativity.
Fun and Play - Encouraging play as fundamental to childhood connects to the expansive belief that their instincts and joy are valid.
Harmony - The child's environment significantly affects their emotional state, necessitating a peaceful home conducive to feelings of safety.
Rhythm - Establishing routines can help children feel grounded and secure, promoting positive connections to their daily lives.
Respect - Showing respect encourages children to respect themselves, shifting them away from feelings of inferiority.
Rest - Recognizing the need for rest aids emotional regulation, allowing children to recharge and cope with overwhelming feelings effectively.

Emotion coaching provides parents with valuable strategies to effectively respond to their children's intense emotions, fostering emotional intelligence and resilience. Drawing on the research of Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, this approach consists of phases designed to help children navigate their feelings rather than suppress them. The first phase is to soothe children during emotional crises, which entails anchoring oneself emotionally, maintaining an expansive belief about feelings being normal, and using personal sensory calming techniques to regulate both the parent’s and child's emotional states. The next phase, involves creating a safe, judgment-free space for children to express their feelings without fear of reprimand. This includes physical safety measures if necessary and providing a supportive environment where the child can fully feel without constraints. In this process sensory calming tools may need to be employed. Techniques range from deep breathing exercises and sensory engagement (like chewing ice) to more playful interactions involving music or physical movement, enabling the child to recover and regain emotional balance effectively. The third phase is to offer empathy and validation. Parents should aim to articulate their child’s feelings to help them process and transition through these emotions. Effective communication is brief and supportive, avoiding attempts to rationalize or dismiss feelings. If verbal validation proves overwhelming, parents should focus on non-verbal empathetic responses, such as matching facial expressions and engaging in compassionate presence.

In the context of fostering emotional intelligence and brain development in children, it is crucial to engage them in reflective conversations when they are calm. This involves inviting children to articulate their feelings and experiences after emotionally charged events. Parents can facilitate this process by asking children to recount the story surrounding their emotions, providing them the chance to express themselves verbally. If the child struggles to convey their feelings in words, caregivers can assist by either narrating the events themselves or collaboratively creating a visual representation—through drawing, writing, or painting—of what transpired.

Contrary to the common belief that revisiting distressing moments may exacerbate emotions, experts like Daniel Siegel suggest that the focus should be on the child's narrative-making process. Creating a coherent story allows children to contextualize their feelings, thereby making sense of their experiences. Parents are encouraged to frame questions that promote discussion, such as: “Do you wanna talk about what happened?” or “Can you tell me the story of what made you so upset?” Furthermore, it is beneficial to explore proactive strategies to prevent similar emotional upheavals in the future. This entails helping children devise a 'game plan' based on previous experiences. By discussing what actions could have been taken to mitigate distress and soliciting the child’s ideas for resolution, children learn to problem-solve. For example, a parent might say, “I noticed that you had very big feelings after your train track got messed up. Could we put the train track somewhere more stable for next time?” or “You were feeling angry when mama didn’t cook what you wanted for dinner, huh? Maybe we could make a menu together so you know what to expect?”

This approach not only validates the child’s feelings but also empowers them to actively participate in their emotional regulation and decision-making processes for future occurrences. Prioritizing emotional experiences and healthy processing over suppression or quick fixes allows the child to develop the most robust pathways to emotional maturity.

Adapted from Jai Institute Transformational Parenting Coach Certification, Spring Edition 2022