Healthy Expression Of Anger

Anger, classified as one of the six primal emotions, is defined as a neutral emotional response until meaning is assigned to it. It is important that when anger is felt there can be emotional objectivity as it allows the individual to feel emotions without attachment or fear, thereby promoting healthy emotional expression. Gabrielle Roth states that anger serves as a protective emotion signaling when personal boundaries have been crossed or needs unmet. In the context of parenting, anger can indicate moments when parents must advocate for their own needs or communicate essential boundaries to their children without damaging the relationship. Anger can be justified in many instances and when channeled constructively, it can help in recognizing unmet needs, finding balance in caregiving, or realizing changes in communication patterns are necessary.

There are three relational patterns with anger: Flight (shutting down emotions), Fight (experiencing chronic irritability), and Shrink (passivity and feelings of invisibility). These patterns reflect how children may process anger based on adult influences, which may manifest as avoidance, control issues, or feeling powerless. It is also important to acknowledge that anger and particularly unhealthy expression of anger is often inherited from past generations, leading to emotional stunting. The good news is that this can be overcome through validation and empathizing with one’s inner feelings, which serves both as personal healing and a model for children.

Aggression is often viewed negatively due to childhood experiences of unhealthy expressions of anger from caregivers. These manifestations can range from physical violence to emotional withdrawal and despair, which can impede a child's understanding and expression of their own aggressive feelings. However, aggression can be reconceptualized as a natural and healthy expression of life-force energy, which includes the capacity for self-advocacy, emotional expression, and establishing boundaries. Aggression can be recognized and embraced rather than feared or demonized. Healthy aggression can serve as a mobilizing force for self-care and assertiveness. Children may internalize harmful messages about anger when exposed to negative displays from caregivers. As a result, children may develop maladaptive responses to anger, viewing self-advocacy and expressing needs as dangerous behaviors. To cultivate a healthier relationship with aggression, both parents and children are encouraged to reinterpret aggressive impulses as opportunities for self-advocacy and empowerment. Implementing daily practices can allow for the expression of aggression in safe, constructive ways, such as engaging in rhythmical music, physical activities, and playful games that help release pent-up emotional energy. It is good practice to teach children that all feelings, including anger, are valid and safe. Children's emotions should be affirmed, helping them articulate their anger and guiding them toward healthier methods of expressing this emotion. Role-playing and guided reflections are recommended as techniques for teaching children about their feelings and the appropriate ways to express aggression without harming others.

Paradigm shift in how aggression is perceived and handled, advocating for an environment where both parents and children can learn to express feelings of anger safely and constructively. To guide children in developing healthy aggression management, several practices can be implemented. One effective method is to teach them physical activities like the towel twist and using squishy balls, encouraging them to express their emotions through growling or squeezing. Self-soothing techniques can be introduced, such as giving themselves a hug or vocally expressing their feelings by saying "NO!" when anger arises. Physical games, like running or jumping jacks, provide an outlet for cathartic release, while dance music with a strong beat can help them associate these feelings with safety.

Monitoring and tracking triggers is essential, as children may not recognize their own emotional patterns. The use sensory calming strategies can be beneficial before incidents escalate, especially if the child tends to become aggressive at certain times, such as nap or bedtime. Establishing clear boundaries is also crucial; affirming their feelings while maintaining a firm stance against hitting can foster a sense of security and understanding. Phrases like, "I love you, but I cannot allow you to hit," can be nurturing yet assertive.

Maintaining proximity is important, even when children request space. Ensuring them of your emotional presence and readiness to support them reinforces connection. Moreover, prevention strategies play a significant role; showing empathy and committing to active listening helps! Creating a sacred space involves spending dedicated time with each child, immersing oneself in their world without distractions or agendas. Establishing a consistent daily rhythm can enhance predictability, allowing children to feel secure.

Creating an environment where all emotions are welcomed promotes valid expression of feelings. Engaging in physical affection like skin-to-skin contact and eye gazing fosters strong bonds—asking permission to hug or hold hands can deepen emotional connections. Lastly, encouraging active play and laughter, such as wrestling or playful games, allows children to express energy and joy, acting as effective remedies for emotional buildup. Through these practices, children can learn to regulate their aggression with time and consistent effort.

Adapted from Jai Institute Transformational Parenting Coach Certification, Spring Edition 2022