Mindsight

In his exploration of secure attachment, Daniel Siegel presents the concept of "Mindsight," highlighting the importance of understanding one’s own and others' thoughts with curiosity and compassion. This ability, essential for child development, fosters a sense of safety and emotional growth in children, as feeling "seen" by caregivers supports their overall wellbeing. A lack of Mindsight may lead caregivers to respond to children's behaviors with dismissiveness or judgment, which can impede healthy development.

There are a few common barriers to exercising Mindsight. The first is the prevalence of conditioned beliefs that view children negatively, framing them as bad and incapable of understanding their own needs, which can lead to controlling parenting styles. The second barrier is a lack of awareness about child brain development, fostering unrealistic expectations for children's abilities.

Siegel outlines three distinct stages of brain development influencing emotional and cognitive abilities:
1. Low Brain Development (Birth to 2-3 years): This stage emphasizes physical growth and the establishment of emotional safety, relying extensively on co-regulation for stress management as these children are not capable of impulse control or verbal responses.

2. Middle Brain Development (Ages 3-7): Here, the focus shifts to emotional regulation and understanding feelings, where a nurturing environment can cultivate supportive beliefs, while stress can instigate limiting beliefs.

3. Frontal Lobe/Prefrontal Cortex Development (Utero to Age 30): From Birth to Age 6

● Infancy (0-3 Years): Neural connections are being made through relationships and imitating what they are modeled

● Early Childhood (3-6 Years): Language develops, social emotional skills begin to develop, and impulse control is at its beginning Ages 6 to 25

● Middle Childhood (6-8 Years): Children begin to mature and execute more forethought with their actions. Their ability to control their impulses strengthens

● Adolescence (8-25 Years): Planning, abstract thinking, independent task initiation, and more consistent emotional regulation or impulse control develops slowly for 17 years

The frontal cortex does not truly take flight until adolescence , when the teenage brain is restructuring itself and experiencing a rapid pruning of old synapses and neurons, and a rebirth of neural pathways. (Brainstorm by Daniel Siegel is an excellent resource for the teenage brain.)

Negative as well as positive labeling can also obstruct understanding children's behaviors. Many people struggle to see what is unhelpful about positive labels. Calling your child “such a brave girl” after accomplishing a task she once feared doesn’t seem so harmful, does it? The idea here it to humanize our children past labels, into a more fluid state, and out of black and white thinking. The goal is to move beyond “I am brave” or “I am not brave,” and arrive at “I AM.” I am me, and when I made that choice I was feeling brave, and my needs for confidence and security were met. Parents should explore underlying feelings rather than adhering to labels that can hinder a child’s growth.

Another barrier to Mindsight is projection of our fears onto children, leading to distorted perceptions of behavior due to unconscious emotional memories activated by the child's actions. If we were not seen and understood as children, we may struggle with seeing and understanding ourselves. We may struggle with accepting who we are and often wonder, “Who am I, really?” When we live without unconditional self-acceptance and self-reflection, from a longing to understand, we typically only allow a tiny portion of who we are to be seen. We learn which “parts” of ourselves (qualities, strengths, weaknesses) are accepted, seen, and understood, and which are not.

Lastly, limiting beliefs can adversely shape a child's core self-perception and hinder Mindsight in them as an adult. When caregivers fail to consistently understand children’s thoughts and feelings, children may develop erroneous beliefs about their unworthiness or badness, further complicating their emotional development. These experiences create a cycle of fear and disconnection, where children feel the need to suppress their voices to avoid further pain, showcasing the critical need for mindful parenting that embraces curiosity and empathy in understanding children.

Our core self-perception (belief system) is created within our subconscious by ages 7-9, and to a lesser degree, by ages 12-14. If we did not experience a caregiver who displayed mostly consistent willingness to understand our thoughts, our mind, our understanding of life, then we lived without inner safety, a sense of belonging, and a belief that we are loved unconditionally. To cope with such intense feelings associated with these beliefs – like fear, shame, heartbreak, loneliness, and anger – our brain goes into action:

→ Our brain records what is happening → Our brain attempts to explain why that is happening → Our brain creates a story that will give meaning, order and understanding to why this experience is happening.

Example: My parents do not seek to understand me because I am bad, I am not loved, or I am unworthy.

● This story, while typically untrue, is less painful to a growing child than admitting that their only source of survival is not capable of understanding you, seeing you, and providing you with psychological safety. Our brain then makes an unconscious commitment to NEVER experience this pain again.

Example: A 5-year-old tries to tell their parents a story about WHY they hit their sibling, causing the parents to scream at them and force them into their room. This happens repeatedly. From this space of panic the child, in the low brain, creates a story that they are bad, there is something wrong with them—THAT’S why they hit their sibling.

● Remember children cannot self-reflect! This part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) does not begin developing until age 7, and development does not end until age 25. From that moment on, the child makes sure to avoid trying to explain their actions and learns that using their voice only brings them pain and disconnection. Perceiving our children’s behaviors through our physiological stress, igniting fear-based emotional memory and limiting beliefs, we cannot accurately access our child. We are not fully present to view the behavior through curiosity and empathy.

In the exploration of core-limiting beliefs, it is emphasized that these beliefs are deeply intertwined with strong emotional responses and the physiological state of the nervous system. These beliefs shape our subconscious mind, which accounts for approximately 95% of our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and reactions. This understanding allows individuals to begin the process of reprogramming their subconscious through compassionate programming and the principle of neuroplasticity, shifting brain activity towards positivity. There are nine core-limiting beliefs derived from historical patterns of power dynamics in parenting:

1. I am bad: This belief carries connotations of inherent defectiveness and wrongdoing.
2. I am unlovable: It asserts a deep-seated conviction of not deserving unconditional love.
3. I am not enough: This belief manifests as a feeling of unworthiness and undeservingness of care and goodness.
4. I do not belong: It encompasses sentiments of insignificance and a lack of special contributions to the world.
5. I am incapable: This belief reflects perceptions of incompetence, helplessness, and failure.
6. I am alone: Characterized by feelings of confusion and perceived lack of belonging to a community.
7. Life is cold and unkind: This belief aligns with feelings of emotional detachment and cruelty.
8. Feeling is not safe: It portrays intimacy and bodily safety as threats.
9. I don’t matter: This existential belief leads to feelings of pointlessness and indifference towards life.

These beliefs underscore the challenges individuals face due to their subconscious programming, which can adversely affect their emotional wellbeing and interpersonal relationships. Addressing and reprogramming these beliefs is crucial for fostering a positive mindset and achieving emotional resilience.

Adapted from Jai Institute Transformational Parenting Coach Certification, Spring Edition 2022