The Art of Relationship Repair

In any relationship, conflict is an inevitable aspect of human interaction. When working with children, it is particularly important that the adult knows how to handle conflict. However, children will inevitably stretch your every capacity, and no parent will be calm and composed all the time. The latter is an unrealistic expectation (more on this in another post). The essential goal is not to avoid all conflict or pretend like you do not have any emotions when your children are driving you insane, but rather to handle it effectively and to use the rupture as a great opportunity to combat perfectionism, build life skills through intentional modeling, and strengthen your bond. Imagine your child as an adult—how would you like them to show up when they have not been able to be their best self because they have been stretched thin? Unfortunately, many of us have not witnessed good repair processes, but there is no time like now to reparent ourselves, stop the cycle, and create a better way forward. The goal of the repair process is to model to the child that even when mistakes are made, they are safe in the relationship with their caregiver.

Repairing a rupture involves more than merely uttering the word "sorry" or promising not to do something again. Effective repair is rooted in the active process of rebuilding trust and addressing the core issues that led to the emotional injury. To truly engage in repair, it is crucial to first look inward. This introspection requires us to confront our defensiveness and become vulnerable. It is important to remember that vulnerability is not a sign of weakness; rather, it is a powerful tool that fosters connection and understanding. By risking this openness, we allow ourselves to explore our emotions, share our fears, and ultimately build a stronger relationship. Commitment to change facilitates not just healing but also personal growth.

Upon reflection, it is important that we begin with a heartfelt apology. It is important to own your part of the conflict and not blame the child, as it will likely make them defensive. Consider your child's age and developmental stage when you model a good repair process. You may consider saying things such as "I want to take a moment to sincerely apologize for my actions earlier today. I’m sorry for yelling at you. My reaction was inappropriate, and I should have handled the situation better. I was upset about you being an hour late, and it made me feel disrespected. I had rearranged my schedule to spend time with you. It’s important for me to acknowledge that my yelling was not your fault. You did not deserve to be treated that way. I understand that my outburst may have made you feel scared or hurt, and that is not what I want for you. I want you to feel safe expressing your emotions and know that I am here to support you. Do you accept my apology?"

It is important that the child gets to take their time in processing and deciding if the apology is accepted. There should be no urgency to fix the mistake. The child regaining safety through our modeling of self-accountability is the goal. Depending on the situation, you may want to leave the conversation there and revisit it later when the processing is done. It is a good practice to ask the child to share how the rupture has affected them. Consider saying something like, "Could you take a moment to share how you feel about what happened? Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to feel upset about the situation. I’m here to listen. It’s important to me that you understand that everyone makes mistakes, and while I strive to be a good parent, I too have moments where I misstep. By discussing these feelings, we can both learn and grow from this experience. I would also like to discuss what we could do to make sure that this does not happen again."

It may feel strange to use this language if it has not been part of your dynamic. Change is almost always at least a little uncomfortable. However, over time using this framework will start to feel a lot more natural, and you will see how it shifts your relationship.

To take the amends to the next level, you may consider doing something fun together. Whether it’s playing your favorite game, having a treat, or simply spending time outdoors, these moments together will reinforce the love and understanding.

Consider watching Dr. Becky Kennedy’s TED Talk: The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy