The Parenting “Power Continuum”

The concept of Power Over parenting, characterized by an authoritarian approach, establishes a strict hierarchy where the parent dominates the relationship, leaving little room for the child's voice, feelings, or needs. In this framework, children are treated as subordinate, often being told to "be seen and not heard." Parents make decisions unilaterally, prioritizing their views and control over their child's perspectives or developmental requirements. This dynamic can lead to a cycle of punishment and criticism, where children are shamed for mistakes and blamed for the parent's emotional struggles. Parents may act out of fear, employing tactics such as yelling, isolation, and threats to enforce obedience and maintain a facade of good parenting. Their love and acceptance become conditional, tied to the child's performance and behavior, further entrenching the child's self-worth in achievements rather than acceptance. The overarching message in this dynamic reflects a profound misunderstanding of children's needs and an inadequate approach to emotional and behavioral guidance, focusing on compliance rather than understanding, growth, and intrinsic acceptance.

Power Under parenting highlights the challenges faced by permissive parents who often struggle to be emotionally or physically present for their children. These parents may leave their children to "raise themselves," as they grapple with establishing clear boundaries that are rooted in their personal values. The overwhelming responsibility to parent confidently can lead them to adopt a passive approach, avoiding decision-making for fear of causing conflict or emotional rejection from their children. This fear often stems from low self-esteem and a sense of helplessness, resulting in many parents communicating ineffectively about their own needs. Additionally, there is a tendency towards minimal support and overly flexible boundaries for short-term ease. The uninvolved parent, whether checked out completely or partially, contributes to a lack of emotional warmth and nurturance, viewing parenting as a burden rather than a fulfilling role. Such parents may be present physically but emotionally detached, reinforcing feelings of abandonment in their children.

Power With parenting emphasizes the importance of creating a nurturing environment based on safety, respect, and understanding for children. Parents are depicted as primary advocates for their children, standing against misunderstandings in public perceptions. A commitment to curiosity encourages parents to explore underlying reasons for behaviors, both in their children and themselves. Self-awareness, accountability, and attunement are highlighted as crucial parenting tools, promoting personal growth to foster confidence and effective leadership. Parents are encouraged to seek support, embrace their intuitive instincts, and recognize their developmental maturity within the parent-child relationship. The belief that both children and parents are doing their best underpins this approach, which incorporates values of restorative justice by prioritizing relationship rebuilding and conflict navigation. A relationship-first mindset fosters the use of techniques that honor connections, while practices such as vulnerability and radical trust are encouraged. The importance of emotional attunement and empathy is underscored, advocating for parents to create space for their children's emotions and voices. Collaboration among family members is deemed essential for discovering unique solutions, alongside modeling self-accountability for any harm caused. In this approach the intention is to seek joy and humor, emphasizing the significance of celebrating small moments with children.

Understanding the fears that prevent parents from embracing Power With parenting is crucial. These fears include concerns about belonging, judgment, children's safety, social success, feelings of powerlessness, coddling, inadequacy, and failure. Acknowledging these fears allows parents to approach them with curiosity and compassion, ultimately leading to greater agency rooted in truth and trust.

Moving from control to connection in parenting signifies a transformative approach that emphasizes understanding children beyond their behaviors. This paradigm highlights the importance of recognizing children's internal emotional and neurological development rather than merely correcting their actions through punitive measures like threats, bribes, or rewards. Transformational Parenting advocates for a shift in focus, asking critical questions about a child's inner world and emotional safety. Rather than aiming to modify behavior through external controls, it posits that meaningful change occurs when children feel safe and supported, with parents who embody emotional intelligence and effective communication skills.

Mona Delahooke, in her book "Beyond Behaviors," argues that parents often focus on superficial issues rather than addressing the root problems. Many rely on a generic, one-size-fits-all approach to parenting instead of customizing strategies to meet the individual needs of their child. This reliance on generic advice may lead to a lack of attunement and intuition, resulting in confusion and stress when understanding a child's specific requirements. Delahooke points out that without a clear developmental roadmap, parents may unintentionally use parenting tools that are not aligned with their child's developmental stage, even when their intentions are good. This collective misunderstanding of child development can lead to misapplied strategies. For example, a "calm down corner" strategy is commonly employed by parents with misbehaving toddlers. While this strategy is framed as compassionate compared to more punitive approaches like time-outs or spanking a child, it fails to address the underlying developmental challenges faced by the child. At age three, the child’s brain is not equipped to self-regulate or understand the long-term consequences of their actions fully. Merely removing the child from the situation does not facilitate learning or emotional regulation; instead, it signals a power imbalance, where the child learns that aggression results in loss of connection with their caregiver.

It is important to understand that developmental milestones are sequential, meaning if a child skips important experiences, it can lead to difficulties in emotional regulation later in life. By engaging with the child at their level, acknowledging the frustration, the parent builds a connection that helps the child manage their impulses. It suggests that rather than isolating the child in a calm down corner, caregivers should intervene proactively by recognizing stress cues and facilitating problem-solving discussions. This nurturing approach reassures the child while addressing their emotional needs, promoting healthier emotional development and better social interactions.

Adapted from Jai Institute Transformational Parenting Coach Certification, Spring Edition 2022